I am the mother of two. I can hardly believe this myself. Celebrating yesterday with my two gorgeous girls was more than I could have dreamed. They are safe and secure and joyful. And that is my bliss.
I am often asked how the transition is going. A fair question and one that plagued both Bill and me before we decided we were ready to add to our family. Adding another person — one with her own opinions and needs — to our already chaotic household seemed impossible for a very long time. And then one day it didn't. There was a lot of faith leaping involved in that decision because one really doesn't know until there. But, my God, I am so glad we leapt. Though we are still finding our balance, I can't imagine life without our precious Eleanora.
I never really realized it until having Eleanora but basically our life with Gwendolyn is similar to the newborn phase. That is the easiest way for those not in our shoes to relate. Like a newborn, Gwendolyn is 100% dependent on us for everything — feeding, positioning, dressing, bathing, entertainment, communication, etc., etc. Our life is filled with interpreting sounds, analyzing signs like sleep levels and poop outtake, and there is a constant high anxiety as we are laser focused on the basic task of keeping our little girl alive. And, of course, like parents of newborns, there is the exhaustion… bone-tired delirium. A big day in our house is getting the whole family bathed, adequately fed, and out the front door to somewhere fun — whew, that's a huge day. So, in many ways, having Eleanora has not been a major change. We are just slightly more exhausted… but then we look at their sweet faces — and it is so very worth it.
Before choosing to have another child, we had the typical second child worries primarily focused on how our first child would handle it. Gwendolyn was our entire world, she made us parents, so how would another person fit into the picture? I also worried about Gwendolyn feeling my love for her would lessen or that she would feel rejected and then how would she communicate these types of complex fears. And I knew to juggle the needs of two I would have to do some major letting go of many of the tasks that I felt partially defined me as a mother. Being completely hands on all the time would have to change and that was very hard for me.
For Gwendolyn's entire life I was by her side or within shouting distance 24/7. And if I couldn't be, Bill was. Bill is truly super dad and changed his entire career so he can be available for Gwendolyn's needs. There was constant therapy and doctors appointments that Bill and I took turns on or both attended. When Gwendolyn was a baby and then toddler I took her to music classes and play dates so she could socialize and before we knew it that turned into preschool. We were always her translator and her access to others, her arms and legs and voice. When she entered Kindergarten last year, my plan was to attend school alongside her as I'd done in preschool — but Gwendolyn had a new desired autonomy. We were incredibly fortunate to be connected with Tina, Gwendolyn's school nurse/teacher/confidant. Within the first two weeks of Kindergarten, Gwendolyn was kicking me to the back of the class, preferring Tina as her right hand. I shed a tear but it was with a smile — my strong-willed girl was showing her resilience once again and I had to follow her lead. Her new found autonomy forced Bill and I to, little by little, begin stepping away and we saw that Gwendolyn was just fine. In fact, she was proud of her independence. Gwendolyn also has two wonderful nurses at night, Evelyn and Alby, and they are invaluable in allowing us to juggle everything — including being fully on call so Gwendolyn was safe while we were bringing Eleanora into the world. Without the support of Tina, Evelyn, and Alby, another child would have seemed out of the question.
Letting go has been a long process for me. It wasn't until I was 9 months pregnant that I dropped Gwendolyn off at school and then actually drove away. Before I would sit in the car or outside of her class, no longer “hands on” but so ready to jump in at a moments notice. And it was not because of safety. I may have told myself that but really it was fear of missing out. Like parents of newborns, I was anxious I would miss a special moment, a first, and all those sweet looks and sounds that have helped get me through each day. But Gwendolyn gets something from her teachers and nurses and friends that I can't provide and I had to allow them in. I knew Gwendolyn would only tolerate my hovering a bit longer. Once I was pregnant I had to really push myself to come to terms with letting go of control. I had to accept that I could still be a good mother even if I was not by her side for every single glance.
There was a bit of breath holding as we made sure Gwendolyn was adjusting to Eleanora's arrival. But now, almost four months in, I can step back and let my breath out because everyone is actually adjusting just fine — even me. Gwendolyn is so proud of her new Big Sister role. She loves her world at school and has soared in the loving hands of her teachers. And I think because she has such a full life at school, when she gets home she is fully engaged in her role as the “Big.” She wants to see Eleanora as soon as she gets home. She sings her lullabies and likes to read her books. She loves feeding her and burping her and is always enthusiastic about matching clothing. It helps that Eleanora is an incredibly easy-going baby. We call her “mellow alert” because she's always looking around at what's going on but is pretty content about it all.
There have, of course, been some snafus such as Eleanora waking from her nap while Bill and I are busy bathing Gwendolyn (a task that now requires both of us for safety). Thank goodness for babywearing because then E calms and my hands are free for G. And there have been a few times when Gwendolyn's medical needs have to come before Eleanora's cries. And while her cries are sad, I know she will survive them, and that puts everything in perspective.
I'm relishing my new role of smothering Eleanora with kisses all morning, taking her to music classes and play groups, and watching the wonder of a new child taking in the world. Then each afternoon after Bill brings her home from school, I am arms wide open when Gwendolyn comes through the door. I get to hear about her fun day, have one-on-one time with her, snuggle and read together, and then watch my two girls cuddle each other. This Mother's Day, for the first time, Gwendolyn wrote me a note all on her own. (Tina did the actual writing but the words and spelling are all Gwendolyn.) I exhale just a bit more to hear she still thinks I'm great and I'm still her #1 Mommy.
They are safe and secure and joyful. And that is my bliss.
Click HERE to read about Eleanora's birth and Gwendolyn becoming a big sister.