I had a dream I was pulling you from my womb, wet and sticky with vernix. As I held you up you blinked quickly, adjusting to the bright lights on this side of the world. Just like I did the day you were born, I welcomed you: “Hello, little love,” and your eyes instantly found mine, already comforted by the tenor of my voice. At once our souls recognized each other as if meeting again after a long journey. As I began to pull you up to my chest, you slipped away toward the night sky. I felt the pang of familiar heartbreak. The panic, the understanding I had to let you go. You held my gaze, your eyes full of love and peace, just as you did when you died. In this dream, you hung near the crescent moon before shimmering into a blinking star. My Mom, also a star, was soon by your side, her light reaching to yours, and as you twinkled I saw all the stars connecting with you – generations of infinite love.
I don’t want to acknowledge this day. But death is like birth. Moments seared into the marrow of our bones. Like the pace of contractions, I remember the thrums of my heartbeat. The sound of your breathing… and how it slowed. The tears choking my throat as I tried to say all the things I wanted to tell my incredible child before you left this world.
I recently learned of the phenomenon called microchimerism, a two-way flow of cells and DNA during pregnancy. Cells containing DNA from the fetus cross the placenta and enter the mother’s blood circulation, while cells from the mother cross in the opposite direction and transfer into fetal circulation. Some cells persist, embedding in various organs, and become a part of the mother and child for decades, including in organs like the pancreas, heart, and skin. In some cases, even cells from maternal grandmothers – acquired during a mother’s own gestation – can be transferred to the fetus. Sometimes these cells are also transferred to future siblings. And, some studies show that fetal cells help in healing maternal wounds.
This is what you do. My veins vibrate with the memories of this day, this week, this month. But my body also holds your joy, your light, your powerful infinite love.
Love you forever our butterfly